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tcourtoi's Journal  I have noticed many times that my goal in life is frequently to get out of living. I have used God as an excuse for my desire to escape the burden of being alive. Rather than find out what the actual SUBSTANCE of LIFE is, I occupy myself with tasks. The most significant of these tasks, of course, is the task of making Christians out of other people. I like the doctrine of heaven, because it allows me to put all my hope in the next life, without any pressure to actually be alive in this one. I invite others to join me in this delayed suicide, telling them that I know what life is. "Join me in being alive, not today, but tomorrow." Once we've saved the whole world - then, then we will start living. As Christians, are we passengers on a plane that is about to crash, urging the other passengers to believe with us that the plane is crashing and to put on their parachutes before it's too late? Or are we people living a new life, inviting others to join with us in living a new life? The answer, of course, is both. The life that Jesus invites us to is simultaneously already begun, and soon to be. It is "now" and "not yet". I have lived too much in the "not yet". I have been too much of a soldier fighting for peace, never allowing myself to ever live in that peace. If the war were to suddenly stop, I would realize that I no longer have any recollection of what the life I am fighting for even looks like. Those who I have taught to fight alongside of me have never been shown that that life even exists. They don't know any life other than the fight. Maybe I don't either. Why are they fighting? What are they fighting for? I have recruited others to my faith, not so that they could live, but so that they could fight. I've often made my faith like some giant self-consuming cancer, whose only purpose is to increase in numbers, but no real goal, no real heart. What is the substance of life? Hint: It is not "getting things done", or checking things off my to-do list. What is the substance of living? I am only beginning to allow myself the time to find out. Current mood: just fine. Current music: Postal Service. Hey people. I know I don't update this thing hardly ever. To follow are some journal entries from my trip to Israel. These were maybe the two most memorable parts of my trip. AT THE WALL Hasidic and Ultra-Orthodox Jews filled the area. I spent a while sitting in the prayer area - holding my paper yarmulka on my head with one hand, holding my Bible with the other – reading scripture and thinking. I looked at the Western Wall in front of me, trying to soak in its significance. I read a chapter of Job – God bragging about his creation – and a couple of Psalms and thought of how much of a scoundrel David was, yet he still had such confidence that God was irrevocably on his side. Shouldn’t I have at least as much confidence? Yet I so frequently fear God will be angry at me and forsake me for my confused wanderings. All this while I felt like a fraud, holding the paper yarmulka to my head to keep the breeze from blowing it away. The young man from South Carolina – an Orthodox Jew – told me it was ok for me to come in. Yet still I feared offending someone, feard I was in the way. I heard a little girl calling her fatehr: “Abba! Abba!” I turned to Isaiah and read 61, 62, 65, 66... thinking... He is so clearly speaking of an earthly restoration of a real nation, a real temple, real people: the Jews. And here they are, here it is! How is it, I thought, that we ever came to believe anything else, that a temple and sacrifices – and a nation! – were not necessary? How did Jerusalem become insignificant? I turned to the gospels... Jesus’ words. This temple will be torn down. “Are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?” I turned to Hebrews (hoping those around me wouldn’t notice I was reading the “New” Testament) and saw the first time I know of in the New Testament that clearly says sacrifices and an earthly temple are no longer necessary. What did Jews think when the temple was destroyed again? What did Chrsitians think? Were they, too, horrified? I read in Revelation... The New Jerusalem. One day it will come down to earth, perhaps to this very place. Our king who has gone away will return. And these people surrounding me... Who are they? Despite the questionable circumstances, prejudices, corrupt governments, bad U.N. decisions, etc... it must be that God is involved in this somehow. Hoe do these people even exist? Scattered two-thousand years ago, enslaved time and again, persecuted, murdered. How are they still a race, a people, a religion at all? Much less a nation? I left the area for a while to talk with my friend from the steps above the square. Before going home, we went down for one last look, and I couldn’t resist donning my paper yarmulka once more and reentering the crowd. The energy had increased, there was more singing and rejoicing now! Groups of people were signing in unison, smiling, hugging, banging rhythmically on the metal tables. Others were praying, chanting rhythmically, moving their bodies for God, toward the wall. Once group made a circle, locking arms, while others danced in the center, men holding hands in pairs, dancing together, spinning one another, smiling, laughing, almost falling down, chaotic dancing with no pattern, the only music the sound of men’s voices. This was not so differend from our retreats, our Christian songs, our rejoicing. I don’t know where these peoploe stand with God, why they have not found the King he gave us. But I could not help smiling, laughing as I walked through the crowd, turning around and changing my mind three times after deciding it was time to leave. I made eye contact with a man in a group of singers, a wide smile on my face. He smiled back and gave an accented, “How are you doing?” Without thinking, I only smiled and said, “Shalom!” Surely there is something beautiful here, something worth saving, and something saveable. And one-hundred years ago, who would have imagined this? Surely God is up to something. Surely there is some love of God left in this place. THE TEMPLE MOUNT Mike and I planned to get up early, before our flight, and go visit the Temple Mount. We left around 7:00 AM and arrived before the entrance opened. I was nervous, not knowing if we’d actually get up there, having tried twice before on our trip. They did let us in, going up the makeshift ramp on the right side of the Western Wall. When the guard saw my Bible, he told me kindly that I couldn’t take it up there! He said he’d hold onto it and I could come get it when I came out. The Temple Mount was... strange. I was surprised. After all my imaginations about the former glory of the Old City, I expected this to be one area in a present state of glory. It wasn’t at all. First, I noticed the bugs! Unlike anywhere else in Jerusalem or Israel, there were flies and gnats everywhere, like we were in a garbage heap. The Dome of the Rock was surrounded by parks: trees, lawns, fountains and walkways. Except everything seemed in disrepair. The fountains were not working; some were empty. The lawns did not seem well-maintained, and there were no nice-looking flowers or plants anywhere. The buildings themselves were similarly disappointing. The mosque was nothing nice to look at. And I remembered again that the aluminum roof of the Dome looks kind of... cheap. The walls and colonnades were also in disrepair. The appearance of the buildings aside, the general feeling of the place was one of defilement. It was strange, imagining that this place was once the place of God’s dwelling! I stood west of the Dome of the Rock, approximately where the Most Holy Place probably once was. The place was not simply unimpressive: It felt strangely repulsive. Afterwards, this seemed like a very appropriate end to our trip. I thought about the Jews just on the other side of that Western Wall, praying towards that place, that defiled place where God’s presence no longer rested. We had ended our official tour the day before with Golgotha and the Garden Tomb. There was evidence that the Tomb had been a place of worship in the 4th century or so, and perhaps sooner. I pictured the women who followed Jesus returning to that place throughout their lives to recall the first moment when they realized Jesus was not dead! It struck me that we havd covered the final night of Jesus’ life and not gone to the Temple. That place was no longer the center of God-worship! In those days after Jesus rose, the apostles did continue to go to the Temple, but the Spirit now lived within them. They began the spread of this good news of the King and anointed one (that is, “Lord and Christ”) who would come to “restore everything” (Acts 3:21) (that is, restore the kingdom to Israel, as it should be). They began to spread the good news from Jerusalem outwards, moving far beyond this place, no longer concerned with sacrifice. They went to Galilee and beyond, to Greece, Italy, Spain... and eventually to America. Thirty-seven years after all of this began, the Jews revolted to try to get their kingdom back by foce – though their king had already come to restore the kingdom and they had rejected him. The Romans put down the rvolt and destroyed the temple – leveled it to the ground. This was the nail in the coffin, the definitive moment that made it clear: this was no longer God’s appointed place of worship. It was now the time to move outward, beyond. And I saw that this trip does not end for me, even when I go home. This is not simply a story or just history. The story goes on, without discontinuity, until today. We continue to spread the same message. The place I live in – this, too is part of the spread of God’s Holy Land, God’s Kingdom. I am a part of history, of the same story at which I marvelled for those ten days in Israel. I do not go to leave Israel; I go to spread its borders. Not from these geographical lands, but from my heart – his Temple – outwards. Current mood: writing a paper. Current music: none. First of all, apparently nobody likes gifts. Several people admitted to reading my last entry, but only one asked for the promised gift. And she didn't give me her address. I was serious, so if you still want a gift, (any of you!) give me your address. Second: I was fascinated by the diverse responses inspired by my last entry. So I thought I'd give my two cents in response, because, well, this is my page and I'll do what I want. *** (I'm referring back to the notes left on my last entry) *** 1. One friend said: "This is why I no longer associate with religion/faith/belief under the name of Christianity." Melissa, I appreciate your honesty a lot! (I also appreciate that you read my blog. I really mean that. I'm not the best at keeping in touch I know, and I never got around to finishing the e-conversation we started not too long ago. Not for lack of interest! I think I missed out on getting to know you more in high school because I limited myself to being an elitist member of an elitist crowd. Thanks for still being willing to interact with me years later.) On to what you said... I struggle with exactly what you're talking about. Because on the one hand, I don't think it's right to manipulate and coerce people into believing a certain thing. I do believe finding God has to be a sincere experience, which does not fit with manipulation and coersion. At the same time, Jesus did say some pretty tough absolutist things to people. He thought it was very important for people to follow him and had some pretty harsh words for those who didn't. Of course, I am not Jesus, so I'd like to keep my own "harsh words" to a minimum. But I hope I can strive for a middle ground somewhere. It would be insincere and dishonest for me to NOT say to people that I believe Jesus is a real man who is really going to be the King of the universe, and we will all one day look him in the eyes and have a talk about whether or not we're willing to follow him. At the same time, I have to do that with respect for peoples' autonomy. I do love people. But I don't think love has to mean that you don't hope they will change. I hope ALL the people I love change. I hope they grow more into the people they were meant to be. I DON'T claim to know exactly what that looks like, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some opinions. I'm not going to force those opinions on people. My biggest point in response to you, Melissa, is that I think you've communicated a sense of indignation that people are often not respected by religious people seeking to "convert" new followers. And I absolutely agree with you on that. I feel indignant about the same thing at times. I feel that way because I have friends who are not Christians, and I repect and love those friends deeply. I am in awe of them because of the glory that I see in them, and because of how much they have been able to teach me. To see them belittled and disrespected by any well-meaning (or ill-meaning) Christian would make me very angry. *** 2. "And if I would have shared Christianity with somebody, it would have felt mostly like I was trying to get somebody to agree with me rather than meet God." Again, there is a very fine line between the two. Sometimes the honest thing to say to somebody is, "I really want you to agree with me, I really want you to believe this is true." To use a hokey over-used Christian analogy: If somebody is in a burning house, I really want them to agree with me when I tell them the house is on fire and they need to get out. The only problem is, with the house-on-fire analogy, the only important thing is that I get them out of the house. It doesn't matter if I use manipulation or other shady means to get them to believe me, so long as I get them out. With religion it's quite different. People know when they are being manipulated, even if they don't know they know. They feel it on a deeper level. Even if they convert out of pressure, the time will come when they resent it. ...I could say more but I stop here, because I hate it when people talk about the "right" way to "do evangelism" as if they have some authority on the matter. I don't think I've been a particularly effective evangelist in my days. I've tried lots of different things. Sometimes I think I've unintentionally manipulated people because of my sincere desire to do good for them. I don't know the best way to go about things, but I think simply being honest and treating Christians and non-Christians alike with enough respect and dignity to be straightforward with them is a good start. *** 3. "it's sad to see so many people enslaved to rules they think exist. and then those people grow and lead others to feel the same way. we need to hear more of this; it is so revolutionary to the systems in place." Thanks for this. To all you NLCers reading this: There is an issue in our church. I know our pastors and staff well, and they are not legalistic people. They believe in grace. Yet there is an unspoken and untaught set of rules that seems to run throughout the subconscious of our church. Where does this come from? Some people would deny that those rules exist, but I guarantee if you sat down a group of 30 people in our church and asked them to brainstorm the top 10 unwritten rules of (for example) dating, they would fill that list out in about a minute and a half. Why is this? Why is it that I live by a list of rules that nobody ever told me and that I never decided to agree with? Why is it that I feel guilty when I even think about breaking those rules? Why is it that I find myself having arguments in my head with the people who I fear will chastise me if I break the rules? And even more scary: As a life group leader, the words I taught were always words of grace. Yet, whenever I saw one of the members of my life group violating my unwritten codes, something inside of me would always tense up. I would hesitatingly, fearfully share my "input" with them, always being careful to tell them they had "freedom in Christ". Yet if they didn't walk away agreeing with me, I felt bitter, frustrated, guilty, and all kinds of other icky feelings. Anybody else out there have a similar experience? I'm pretty confident that it doesn't matter how much I teach grace in my words if my heart is believing something else. The people I was leading felt my tension. They felt that deep down, I NEEDED them to make the "right" decision. As a result, they felt that they would be disappointing me if they didn't agree with me. And the cycle of legalism was repeated. Scary stuff. Stuff that probably should make us angry on some level. And stuff that should make us take a deep look at ourselves - individually - and ask, "am I living my life with integrity?". *** 4. "it seems like you're trying to splice a full life and trying to show how one part is more important than another. art over intellect. creativity over obedience. feelings over truth. does it have to be one or the other?....let's take them all." I don't think I communicated a desire to choose any one of those things over another. (Although if I had to choose, I'd take art over intellect any day. ;)) Seriously though, either I miscommunicated or you just missed my point. I agree that loving God should be our focus. That was pretty much a main point of my entry. I was trying to say that I have made the mistake of filtering my life's significance through a commandment that is not nearly big enough to encompass all of my life's purpose. As a result, I have missed out on some essential parts of who I am as a person. And because I failed to be fully who God made me to be, I have failed to love him with all that I am. I don't recall saying creativity was more important than obedience. I don't even see them as in tension. I think creativity IS obedience! Same with feelings and truth. If I fail to acknowledge that feelings are part of the way God made me, then I am denying the truth! I can not be faithful to the truth without dealing well with my feelings. I agree that our focus needs to be on God. But the truth is more complex: Knowing and loving God necessitates a deep exploration of myself. A quote I like: "Theocentrism without anthropocentrism is not theocentrism at all. It's heresy." The point being, we are made in the image of God. Knowledge of self and knowledge of God go hand in hand. Case in point: God made me as a creative being; so if I fail to discover and use that part of myself, I fail to love God because I don't allow his creation to be what it was meant to be. *** That's it. I was fascinated by that spectrum of thoughts y'all shared. Hope this sparks some more. Hmm... so much to say. Smorgasborg. Is that how you spell that word? Is it really "borg"? Like the Borg from Star Trek? Anyway, this could be long. I suggest going paragraph by paragraph: Read the first line, and if it interests you then continue. If not, skip to the next. Make a choose-your-own-adventure out of it. I will separate topics with asterisks. * * * * * I saw the movie "Dogma" last night. I was shocked by how much I liked it. Shocked by how faithfully it represented a lot of truth. In particular, I really liked Alanis Morisette as God. We're used to making God out to be this solemn character who moves really slowly, seems other-worldly and strange and difficult to connect with. Have you seen "Jesus of Nazareth"? I really can't stand the way Jesus is portrayed in that film. When he raises Lazarus from the dead, he stands in front of the grave with everybody watching. He raises his arms at these weird angles, real dramatic, and yells out in this loud voice like a magician uttering a magical spell, "LAZARUS... COME FORTH!" Alanis Morisette was much cooler. She smiled, and she had a sense of humor. She portrayed something real about God's silence. How he could probably answer our questions, our anguished cries of "WHY?!?!", but to do so would probably kill us. So instead, he looks us in the eye understandingly, smiles comically, and runs off to do some cartwheels. Yet at the same time, you get the idea that he understands. And even though he seems to be uninvolved and unconcerned with our plight, he is actually working it all out perfectly. At least, that's what I'd like to think. God has felt distant lately. Don't feel I've heard from him, except in that vague sense where something happens that teaches you something and you say, "I guess that was God teaching me something". Except it's not quite the same as if he had actually looked you in the eyes and spoken to you. Which is what I really want. * * * * * * I realized recently how guarded I was when I came down here to Orlando. I didn't know it, but I had all kinds of Christian-y litmus tests in my mind for who I would trust and who I would let influence my life. I went into my class at school unsure whether I would be led astray spiritually by the people I met there. I had these Pharisaical standards for how I would judge people and determine if they were mature enough for me to allow them to influence me. If you're a part of an evangelical church, you probably know the checklist I'm thinking of: Member of a small group, check. Aspiring to church leadership, check. Reads the Bible and prays every day, check. Doesn't drink too much or swear, check. Believes the Great Commission is the number one purpose of life on earth, check. Totally shallow. I didn't really think I had anything big to learn from people. If anything, I could learn how to better apply the system of life that I was already working really hard at. Teach me how to do a better job of balancing all the to-do's of being the kind of Christian I've learned to be. I had no clue how much I had to learn from people. I had lost sight of what it meant to be alive and live in freedom. I have worked so hard to live a system (that I created in my own mind) that, if people really lived it, would relegate everybody to sameness. This leads to the next topic... * * * * * ** Art. Creativity. Freedom. Play. Here is a book worth reading: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/158542 Here is a spoken-word CD worth listening to: http://store.yahoo.com/davidwhyte/poeto At first glance, they may seem a little hokey, but I don't care. This could be changing my life. What would happen if you stopped being so busy? If you took time to do what you wanted? If you even knew what you wanted? What if you cut out some of the things in your life that you are afraid to cut out? The goal isn't to live a selfish lifestyle, but self-discovery takes time. Look how God designed us: It takes years and years of full-time investment from our parents before we can give anything back to the world. Even when we are finally at an age where we can give back to the world, we are still designed in such a way that we HAVE to spend the majority of our time and finances just caring for ourselves: sleeping, eating, washing, etc. Even look at how God tells us to organize our finances: Use 90% to care for yourself; give 10% away. Maybe God is telling us something. It's amazing that in such a seemingly selfish society, we have no concept of what it means to actually care for ourselves. We more often drive ourselves into the ground like slave-drivers. We don't know how to love ourselves. Every Christian I know has a sincere desire to love and care for people. And yet they're all worried about being too selfish. On to creativity: This is something that takes TIME. It can't be pressured or forced. You can't schedule it into a slot. You have to sit or walk or stare into the distance for long stretches of time, letting your mind and heart play with the world... until a spark happens. Jesus tells this story of a rich man who went away for a long time, and while he was gone he entrusted his money to three men. When he came back, he asked them to give an account for what they had done with his money. The first two men had invested the money well and earned even more money. The third said to the rich man, "I was scared that I wouldn't succeed and would make you angry, so I hid your money while you were gone so that I wouldn't lose it. Here is the money you gave me." The rich man gets angry and sends this third guy to hell. Get it? God is the rich man, and we're the men who have been entrusted with his money. He WENT AWAY. Now it's up to us to decide what to do with what he's given us. I repeat: HE WENT AWAY. He's not going to tell us what to do with what he's given us. He wants us to figure it out, take some risks, make some decisions. Frickin scary if you ask me. He demands that we risk, and there is punishment if we don't. I'll speak for myself: I know I have abilities. I know I am a creative person. But I don't use it. I don't take the time, because I'm too busy living for everybody else, living for the church, living for the great commission. I'm so focused on the great commission, that I fail to really love or influence people because I'm witholding one of the most important parts of who I am! The only way for me to truly love my neighbor, to truly fulfill the great commission - to truly love GOD! - is to STOP working so hard at giving and take the time to discover who I really am. This is hard. This is scary. First of all, it's scary because it looks selfish. It means that when I could be building relationships, reading the Bible, praying, or aspiring to greater positions of leadership in the church - all in the name of service and love - instead of doing all of those things, I get in my car and drive. I go to the park. I walk around. I open my journal and stare at a blank page for thirty minutes. I write two lines that I don't like, and then I walk around for a while. I look at the water and watch the sun set. I listen to some music. I walk around some more. Because art is PLAY. Art can't be forced. Forget art: LIVING is play, it can't be forced. We're not robots; we don't live by a program. We can't walk through life as if we've got a gun to our head, threatening to kill us if we don't accomplish all of a certain list of things. Have you ever noticed what happens in life if you try to force it? Ever try to force a friendship or a relationship? It dies immediately. Relationships are stifled, they gasp for air and die when they are forced. Here's the great terror of life: We need relationships, we need art, we need freedom and play to be alive. We NEED them. Which means the stakes are very high. We die if we don't get them, but we can't get them by forcing them. God demands of us: PLAY! He commands us: PLAY! Enjoy! Be who you are! How do you relax enough to play, to be free, to be yourself when the stakes are so high? The second reason it's scary is because you don't know what will happen. If you actually write something, you have to find out if you're capable of writing something good. You have to find out, if you take your heart and spread it out on a piece of paper or play it in a song... will it be anything worth looking at or listening to? You might have to share it with somebody. It's much easier to say "I can't", to stick with the status quo, to say, "that's not me, I'm not really an artist". It's much easier to keep attending our meetings, doing our homework, going to our jobs and never take the time to risk finding out who we really are. After all... right now I can spend all this time being selfless and serving others and seem to have a tangible result for my work. But if I spend all that time it takes to find who I am and let the creator inside of me come out, I don't even know if anything will come of it! All of that time might be completely wasted! But you've got God's gifts that he's entrusted you with, and you're witholding them from the world. * * ** * * * * Which brings me back to several things. Play, art, freedom. Freedom is scary. It means taking the risk of doing something when you're not sure it's the right thing. It means asking a girl out on a date even if you're not sure that it's going to work out, risking the heartbreak. It means playing the chord and singing the notes even if you don't know they go together right. It means saying the thing in your heart, not because you know it's right, but because you know it's honest, and trusting that God and people you trust will love you enough to accept you even if it makes you look like a fool. Freedom means letting go of the filters you put on yourself and seeing what happens if you just be you for a while. At my school I'm in a community of people who don't quite fit all of the litmus tests that I would have had for who a "good Christian" is before I came here. That is because they aren't striving to live their lives by a set of rules, but because they are walking in freedom and trusting God to work in their hearts and lead them into truth. No, this doesn't mean anything goes and just do whatever you feel. But it does mean a little bit of balance. I can't speak for others, but I know I have been way over on one end of the spectrum: always being hyper-aware of what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, how I'm living. Filter, filter filter. What makes it through the filter looks pretty good, but it also feels sterile, stale, barely alive. * * * * * * * * One of my classmates got in a car accident a couple months ago. His car was totalled. He's been struggling financially as a result. Two weeks ago, a man who he met felt led by God to GIVE HIM A CAR. Flat out gave it to him. Crazy. So then my friend took the car he had bought for cheap to temporarily replace the one that was totalled and gave that away to another guy in the class who needed a car. Another of my classmates hurt her back. She's a single mom going to school, and her back pain incapacitated her for about a month. Finally she had to have surgery to fix her back. She's just now getting mobile again. So our class took up a collection and came up with a few hundred dollars to help pay for some of her bills that have accrued while she's been immobile. I wish I could tell those stories better, but they totally warmed my heart and made me thankful. * * * * * * * The great commission. I just wanted to say about this that I think it's a big mistake the way I've tended to view this command of Jesus. I've taken it to be the #1 overarching command to guide all of my life. I think that's way messed up. Jesus tells us pretty clearly that the #1 command is to love God. And #1.5 is to love people. 1.5 rather than 2 because loving people flows out of loving God. Of course, in some sense the great commission is a form of loving people. But what we as Christians usually mean when we talk about it is very limited: We mean to tangibly change other people: to convince them to believe in Jesus, or to teach them some lesson about how to live for God. So we basically end up filtering our lives through this. We think that every minute not spent either verbally sharing the gospel with somebody, or teaching somebody else how to share the gospel is wasted. And if not wasted, then not spend as best it could. Then we accept other tasks as being worthy of our time only if they contribute directly or indirectly to the great commission being accomplished. i.e., "It's ok if I eat and sleep, because without the energy I get from doing those things, I could never share the gospel with anybody." Or, "It's ok if I buy clothes that I like, because I have to be relevant to people for them to want to listen to the gospel when I share it with them." We miss so much! We miss the fact that eating and sleeping are wonderful things to do because I am a wonderful creation of God, and it's glorifying to God for me to care for myself well! It's ok for me to have fun and do things that I want because God has made me with certain desires and I glorify him not by stifling what he has created, but letting it shine brightly. And back to art: Of course, art gets relegated to secondariness in life. It's something on the fringes. It's ok to spend a little bit of time on it, if that's what you need to refresh yourself so you can get out there sooner or later and share the gospel. Or if you share the gospel in your art then that's ok too. Maybe you could do a painting of the bridge diagram, or write a song about the bridge diagram. It's not as good as a gospel appointment of course, because it's so much less efficient, but it's not as bad as SINNING I guess. Somebody said to me recently that most cultures don't have a word for art, because they don't see it as something that's separate from the rest of life. For most people, art is assumed, it's something that you simply do. It's EXPECTED that when you make a pot you'll decorate it. It's expected that when you make your clothes, you'll design them according to your tastes. But we take it and make it into a THING, we fit it into a category. We section it off from the rest of life. But God himself is the great artist, and we are his creations. And we also create. Art isn't just something we do, it's something we ARE. And the great commission isn't the number one overarching command through which to organize our lives. The Bible doesn't say that it is. It is a command that Jesus gives. It is an important command, but we must be careful to either define it as broadly as it really is, or define it narrowly and keep it in its place. ** ** * *** * I wrote a song. I'm working on it, working on being able to sing and play it. I'm borrowing my friend's computer tomorrow with some song-recording software on it and I'm going to try and record it. * * * * * * ok, I guess that's enough for now. I mean, that was a lot. If you read this ENTIRE thing straight through, e-mail me and tell me and give me your address. I'll send you a prize. Current mood: energized. Current music: damien rice. Hey... I will be updating this in the next day or two. For now I wanted to let y'alls know that I will not be reading e-mails for the next 6 days, so don't expect responses from me. I'm doing this thing where I can't read for a week. I'll let you know how it goes. Current mood:  yes, good..Current music: knees to the grass. OK, I'm gonna have a go at a more normal type of blogging. (I don't even like the word blog... maybe because it feels to trendy? I don't know. I don't think of myself as a snob...) Anyway, people normally fill these things with random anecdotes and maybe a funny picture. Instead I usually do long philosophical entries. I don't even KNOW if livejournal can do pictures. At least not the free version of livejournal. So here are two short sweet stories for you. 1. Remember battle-bots? Those toys with two robots in a boxing ring that punch each other until one of their heads pops up, and the one who makes the other one's head pop up wins? Well, for Christmas I got the Spongebob version. It's Spongebob versus his squirrel friend - the one in the spacesuit. It was great; my favorite part was the noises, especially when Bob says, "Victory is mine!" It was so funny. But by the time I got it back here from Christmas (it was my carry-on), the voices stopped working. I had assumed the batteries ran out. Well, three months later, I finally got some new batteries and the darn thing doesn't even work. Crap. Nobody will ever hear how cool that thing sounded. 2. I went for a run yesterday. It was hot out, so I ran without a shirt on as I usually do when it gets to be a million degrees in Florida during the summer. I was a short way into my run when I tripped on a wire sticking out of the ground and went flying; scraped my stomach on the ground (grass and sticks luckily, not concrete), cut my elbow, and probably looked really hilarious. When I fell, my headphones got yanked out of my ears, and one of the little spongey cover-things that goes on my ear buds had come off. I looked around for it, but to no avail; I couldn't find it. Thoroughly disappointed (because once you lose one of those things, how do you get it back? You can't. It's not like they sell them separately.), I continued with my run. I ran THREE MORE MILES. Then I got home, cooled down for a bit and messed around on the computer. I took off my headband. I got in the shower. I rinsed my head under the water for a little bit. Then I got my shampoo out and as I was scrubbing the shampoo into my hair, what do I see fall down onto the shower floor? My little spongey cover-thing for my headphones! WHAT THE CRAP?!?!? In the process of my headphones being yanked out of my ear, how did the cover come off and somehow become lodged in my hair (which is only 2 inches long)? How did it stay there for three more miles? How did it stay when I took off my headband or rinsed my whole head under the water? This was a miracle. Both of these stories involved sponges. Current mood: was good; 4 things changed it.. Current music: none. Well... I was going to update. I actually think I could have a lot to say. Say about what? About my life and learning who I am. About creativity. About taking time to be selfish and learn what I'm really like. About sitting by a lake and asking myself what I really want without boundaries. About purpose in life. About the "great commission" and the unfortunate Christian assumption that obeying this command is to be the primary purpose in the life of us all. When in fact Jesus very clearly told us that the most important thing was to love him with everything we've got. (But then, I'm the one who works for "Great Commission Ministries".) And I could probably ramble for a while about quite a few other things as well. It seems that most people make their blog entries these really short, bite-sized pieces of their lives. Well, that's not really how I work, and I'm pleased that some of you out there seem to actually read the longer entries. I enjoy writing, composing my thoughts and ideas into something readable. Like I said, I WAS going to update. But I had a good talk with my good friend Gabe Williams who is in medical school in Ohio. And now I am going to get ready for bed. p.s. - bought Damien Rice's album "O" today. I was inspired by the use of one of his songs in an episode of Lost. (Oooohhhh... it was a powerful moment, if you know the one I'm talking about. I love when music is used well in cinema.) Not to mention that two of my very favorite people in the world who are getting married this July (and I am standing up in the wedding) are going to be dancing to one of his songs. And another friend of mine with good music taste recommended it to me, too. Looking forward to listening to that. ok good night. Current mood: too complicated to write. Current music: bought Damien Rice today. I was going to do a proper update, but then I admitted to myself that I was just looking for false intimacy and avoiding God because I'm pissed at him. So instead, here are some links for videos for you to check out. http://nlcweb.org/resourceCenter/mo http://nlcweb.org/resourceCenter/mo http://nlcweb.org/resourceCenter/mo If the titles don't ring a bell, you might not be interested in watching them in their entirety, but if you want to skip to the good stuff that embarasses me, then go to the middle link and skip to the end up the video. And turn your speakers up LOUD. Current mood:  crappy.Current music: whitney houston. Yesterday I met with a friend who shared some insight with me about my life. For some reason, I was able to see more clearly than ever (even as I write this, I hesitate, because previous disappointment makes my cynical about thinking any progress could really be progress or big change) that I don’t trust God. Whatever my words say, my cognition, my doctrine, my actions clearly demonstrate that I don’t trust God. I believe it’s up to me to make things work out. I’m always performing, always worrying. I think it’s up to me to make sure I marry the right woman and don’t miss out. I don’t believe God is sovereignly directing my life. I really believe I could screw it up. I’m upset at God for this. I’ve tried to hard to believe right, to do right. Why would he leave me alone to screw up my life and be screwed up by other people? (I don’t even feel like I blame them... we’re all fight-clubbers, people who were cared for poorly, and ultimately that trail leads back to Adam alone in the garden saying, “oh God, what do I do!”) If God doesn’t want us to depend on ourselves, then why does he leave it up to us to be the ones to seek him out, why does so much depend on our response? Today was the first day of my Addictions class. I am addicted to doing well, to performing, to myself, to it being up to me. No matter what happens, no matter what is asked of me, I can turn it around into a performance. There’s no way anybody can call me out on that, because it is an invisible addiction, accomodating people by its very nature. I have not lacked people who were interested in helping me grow by being honest with me; I have lacked people who could sufficiently see through the ingenuity of my performance-deception. It becomes indistinguishable from true repentance. I can not produce true repentance, and even true repentance does not last, does not permanently outdo my addiction. I am an addict. That is not changing. I will be a performer with impure, screwed up motives for as long as I am alive. He wants me to sit in that, to be ok with that, to accept it as the day to day reality of my life without trying to change it. Where is he in that? I can sit here, waiting... but if not waiting for change, then waiting for what? I don’t want to “be ok” with my life as it is. So... now... I wait. I “sit in it”. I guess. Why? What am I waiting for? I resist the urge to “figure it out”, to look for an answer. It could be a momentous change, but it feels like nothing at all. Well, here is an opportunity to fail. To not get everything done. To decide wrong and “miss out” as a result. To make the wrong decision about controversial questions like, “is it ok for me to masturbate?”***, and trust God to love me anyway. To let go of the tyranny of the pressure to always, every second, be “taking care of business” in my life, “getting things done”, making sure everything is “taken care of” and “in order”. I am not my professor. I don’t see glory the way she does, I am not as closely connected to the heart of God, I don’t even love God that much. I am not so amazed at my own salvation, or Jesus, or his stories, or the gospel. It is words: words that I know are true, words that I know will change the whole world and even me eventually, but also words that leave me unmoved. Maybe I will be a sucky counselor. Maybe I will not accomplish much for the kingdom. Maybe I will not be special. Maybe I will not find healing, or a wife, or any of the other things I want. What then? Don’t answer that question. I have been answering that question for too long. Instead, wait and see. Find out for myself “what then”. [***p.s. – for those shocked/offended by my use of the “m” word above: I’m not talking about callously disregarding truth or morality. I’m saying that sometimes scary and even offensive questions do not have clear answers. Sometimes embarassingly simple questions don’t have clear answers. Does my salvation and my right standing with God depend on my ability to sort out the details and come up with the right answer? Or does it depend on my desire to honor God, even if I screw up and make a “bad decision” in the process? It is ironic that in trying to communicate my thoughts about these things, I become further burdened with the concern of who will be offended or made to feel uncomfortable if I admit that I don’t think the answer to the “m” question is obvious, that I even think it’s possible that Christians have made a big mistake in the way we’ve dealt with this issue. I also think it’s too bad that I had to put this disclaimer in here. Maybe it would have been more powerful if I just left it there to linger in your mind. But then I’d be worried about who is reading this and what they’re thinking of me...] Current mood: no time to think about it.. Current music: my roommate is playing something I don't know.. I just put in an update about my half marathon. In no particular order, some other "things" about my life right now. (Prayer requests at the bottom): 1. So, I kind of had it in my mind that only friends from back in Michigan were reading this (if anybody). I found out I was wrong. Turns out, several peoples here in Florida have gotten on here too (wut up, Florida peeps!). This led me to consider what probably already should have crossed my mind... maybe I should be more careful when using other peoples' names on here, especially if I plan on being really open. Whoops, sorry Chr... er, "Judy". 2. This week I have an "intensive" class (which means we have class every day from 8:30-3:30). The class is "fundamental therapy skills", and includes a part at the end of each day where we practice counseling one another, with supervisors present. I have to say, I am really excited. I don't I've done all that great of a job so far: I've felt nervous, and struggled to feel connected to the person I've been counseling. I'm trying to connect with my own emotions, at the same time trying to figure out the "best" direction to take the conversation... not a good way to counsel. And yet... I feel great! I just feel really confident that I'm in the right place, that I CAN do this, that this is what I WANT to do. There was a moment today (when I wasn't even doing the counseling) - one of the supervisors talked through an issue with one of my classmates when I was in the room. Some pretty difficult stuff hit the fan, and there were some tears, and just a crazy-powerful moment. Among all of the things that were going through my mind at that moment, the thought that flashed through my mind was... Wow; What an amazing job I have! This is exactly the kind of thing I want to spend my life doing. Amazing. 3. Special props go out to Troy Wallace. I went to sleep at 10:30 the night before my 1/2 marathon (having to get up in less than 5 hours). I called him and he prayed for me over the phone. And the race went great. I forgot to mention in my entry that I stopped being pissed after the race actually started. I felt a lot better. Troy always prays for me when I need him to, and I love him for that. 4. Audrey Hepburn... (Reading this Vanessa?) My friend Angie has been introducing me and a couple other friends to classic movies. Things I've never seen before like The Sound of Music, Gone with the wind, It's a Wonderful Life... Last week I saw my first Audrey Hepburn movie: Roman Holiday. It was so good. Angie has been a great friend to me. In a number of ways, she is one of the people that God has really been using to take care of me here in Florida. Case in point, in Ann Arbor I rarely had the free time to just go to somebody's house and spend a relaxed night eating dinner, watching a movie, and talking with a few friends. Now I get to do that with a few friends once or twice a month. And she is a GREAT cook. And, because of her experience and our similar struggles, she is in a position to speak into my life some of the truths that I need to hear. 5. Michael Jackson... say what you will, but this guy is amazing. I got his video greatest hits DVD for Christmas. Unbelievable. 6. Today... was a good day. I got a couple chances to connect with one guy in my class who I am really coming to love. God just moved and allowed me to be vulnerable with him, and vice versa. For those who know my story and my struggles in connecting with other men, this is a big deal for me. And overall, I look at the men in my class and I think... for someone like me, with my struggles/fears/insecurities with men, what better place could there be than this counseling program for me to connect with other men who will care for me, protect me, and believe in me? I am excited. 7. Last night. After having a rough first week back in Florida last week, last night was just great. I had dinner with the guys in my small group. It lasted 3 1/2 hours, and everybody was unbelievably open with their lives. How many people in the world get to sit in a circle of 6 men who are all willing to lay things out on the table that most people are afraid to talk about? I mean, there was some SERIOUS vulnerability going on. I felt really honored. And I found myself connecting with them beyond what I am normally able to do, which I am thankful for. I left that dinner with this strange happy feeling overwhelming me. And then I realized... it was gratitude. 8. Prayer requests... If you are praying for me, please pray for: ---- God's protection from a performance mindset as I begin actually counseling people. I believe I am beginning to do what I was meant to do, but it can very easily be tainted by the weaknesses that usually plague me. I need help! ---- God's help focusing on him during counseling. This goes with the first thing. I just want to be connected with God. I don't just want to help people feel better; I want to help them draw closer to God. ---- Intimacy with God. I have been feeling a need for a jumpstart in my intimacy with God lately. Not good, considering the above two needs. PLEASE pray for my love & connection with him, if nothing else! ---- Further, I felt very under attack spiritually when I first came to Florida. Please pray against that. Today I have felt very filled with confidence in spite of myself, which I tells me the angels are winning in this area. But keep praying. ---- Pray for my financial support. Current mood: dope trumpets. Current music: wanna be startin' somethin'. |
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